Global Warming? Climate Change? Or Neither?

To anyone of a certain age, warnings of global calamity and doom are

nothing new. In the sixties, it was the population explosion - the earth was

going to run out of space for the vast quantity of humanity that was going

to swamp the planet. It didn’t happen.


In the seventies, apart from the imminent demise of oil, we were also

faced with a dip in global temperatures. We were heading for an Ice Age.

It didn’t happen.


Currently, it is global warming. The difference is that global warming has

seized the minds of politicians and the opinion forming classes like no other

issue since the second world war. In Great Britain, the Labour Government

and the Liberal Democrat Party in particular are committed to a massive

range of measures to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, and these measures

will be at vast cost not only to our economy but to the standard of living

not only of this generation but for generations to come.


Is it all a waste of time? Or even a good idea at all?


Who takes the decisions that affect us all? Scientists do not; politicians do,

acting, it must be said, on the advice of scientists. But scientists can tell us

what is happening, and sometimes why it is happening. They cannot tell us

what governments should do about it.


But first things first.


What, exactly, is happening?


Here, then, is the first surprise. There isn’t any global warming. The 21st

century may be only 8 years old, but there hasn’t been any recorded so

far this century. Yes, in the last 25 years of the twentieth century, the

global temperature rose by half a degree. But in the twenty first, nothing

has happened at all. It has come to a standstill.


The best bet from the Hadley Centre for Climate Prediction (part of the Met

Office) is that it may - or may not - resume some time around 2009 and

2014. But the very fact that the current lull was not predicted by any of

the current models proves that this is not an exact science.


The earth needs greenhouse gases. Without them we would freeze, because

every time night falls, the earth would lose all of the heat of the day. The

most effective greenhouse gas, as well as being by far and away the most

common of the greenhouse gases is water vapour. A long, long way

behind is carbon dioxide. In fact, it is not widely publicised that CO2

makes up only .54% (that’s point five four of one per cent) of the

atmosphere. Water vapour, nitrogen and oxygen make up the bulk of the

rest.


Tiny percentage though it is, there is no doubt that, since the Industrial

Revolution, the Human Race has contributed to the amount of CO2 in the

atmosphere; Over the last 10 years no country more so than China – yet

since the rapid expansion of Chinese industry, particularly in the 21st

century, there has been no global warming.


Even the warming that has taken place, climate scientists say, was very likely

caused by CO2 emissions.


Even if the temperature were to continue to rise – which currently it is

not – and over the next hundred years rise by between 1.8 and 4 degrees

which it is projected to do NOT taking into account the current -

unexpected - lull, then we were told by Alistair Darling in his Budget speech

that it would have ‘catastrophic economical and social consequences’.

Poppycock.


Why? Even the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (the IPCC) says

that an increase of up to 3 degrees will lead to an increase in food

production. Yes, an increase. Not a crisis.


Health? The very same IPCC says that such an increase will lead to

‘reduced human mortality from decreased cold exposure’. Our own

Department of Health predicts, by 2050, an increase in heat related deaths

of 2,000; but a decrease in cold related deaths of 10,000. Something that

Ministers and environmental journalists have been curiously silent about.


The IPCC systematically exaggerates the likely effects of warming because

its projections are based on two assumptions, both absurd.


The first is that, whiole the developed world can adapt to global warming,

the developing world cannot. The second is that even in the developed

world, the capacity is constrained by the limits of modern technology.

In other words, there wil be no technological development at all over the

next 100 years.


So far as the first is concerned, surely the developed world will ensure that

aid will ensure that developing countries will acquire the necessary ability

to adapt – it is in their interests to do so.


The second is ludicrous. Even now, the developed world is sitting on

developments in bio-engineering and genetic modification that have the

potential to revolutionise food production.


So, to the politicians. If global warming is going to happen, as they appear

So convinced is the case, how much a sacrifice should the present

generation make in order to avoid it?


The cost of reducing the level of CO2 emissions which we are told is

necessary is absolutely colossal. We are told by those who govern us, and

therefore know best, that we must, by 2050, cut CO2 emissions by between

60 and 80 per cent, and according to Tony Blair, no less, the richer

countries will have to fall to close to zero.


Dear ex-Prime Minister, it ain’t going to happen.


Furthermore, the measures that we are all being encouraged to take – the

feelgood measures, like driving a hybrid car, like installing a wind turbine

on the roof, to not leaving electrical appliances on standby are trivial to

the point of irrelevance. To reduce emissions by the amounts proposed

would require a complete restructuring of the economy, and that ust isn’

going to happen for as far ahead as anyone can see. It may be one day

forced upon us, but it isn’t being planned.


Would it make any sense anyway?


No.


The UK accounts for only 2 per cent of the world’s CO2 output; the entire

E.U. only 15 per cent. So Europe’s efforts are pretty worthless. And the

biggest polluters of the lot, India, the United States and China (in

ascending order) have declared that they have no serious intention of

cutting back at all. So we are wasting our time. In addition, an economist

will tell you that a direct result of cutting back drastically on CO2 emissions

will be to drive industry – or what is left of it in Britain – overseas to China

and India, with little or no reduction in global emissions.


So; is global warming happening at all? I would suggest that that is highly

doubtful.


Is it caused primarily by humankind’s emissions of CO2 into the atmosphere? No.


If it is happening, however, is the human race in any position to stop it by

reducing CO2 output? No.


So let us not forget that water vapour is a far more effective greenhouse

gas than CO2 can ever be, and there is nothing we can do about the

number of clouds. Let us not forget that dormant volcanoes give off 5

times the amount of CO2 produced by the entire human race every year.

The oceans produce 140 times as much. So let us get real.


By the way, let us also not forget methane – how do we stop flatulation in

cattle?


There has been one other interesting by product of this whole issue. It has

Become an issue to transcend all others. It has become a creed. It has

become unfashionable, dangerous, even, to speak against the received

wisdom about global warming. It is heresy to suggest that it might not

actually be happening at all. By the way, it is nowadays referred to as

climate change - the expression global warming is gradually disappearing. Has

someone spotted something?


Either way, it seems to have replaced something else. Global

Warming – or climate change - is a subject that is discussed in terms of

belief rather than fact or reason.


The Green Movement is centred on Europe. Not so very long ago, the

enemy within Europe was perceived to be –and probably was - communism.

Has green become the new red?


Or, conceivably, a new religion? The countries within Europe who are at the

forefront of the green movement happen to be those who have rejected any

state supported religion in favour of secularism. It is very much as if we

are witnessing the manifestation of a human need - the need to have

something to believe in, something to aim at or for, something to defeat.

change, has exposed the human race as weak, greedy, and self centred in a way that no


other event in history has done.




Make no mistake - this time we are in trouble.

A Fascinating Fact

It is a fascinating fact that an anagram of


Eleven Plus Two

is

Twelve Plus One

is it not?

A Even More Fascinating Fact...

And I would dearly love to hear a MORE fascinating fact than...

Huey Lewis' grandfather invented the red rind that goes aroud Edam cheese.

Now that is seriously fsacinating.

Life Isn't Fair-Get Used to It

Bill Gates said that.



Whatever you may think of Bill Gates, he does have a point. Life isn't fair. So let's get used to it.



What prompted this thought just now was reading with a rather pressing sense of gloom about the goings on at the whizzy new Terminal at Heathrow this week. Sheer incompetence, no matter how it might be glossed as 'not our finest hour' by BA. Too right it wasn't and, at this moment, still isn't.



But this is just one more example of what has gone wrong with this country.



NOTHING works properly any more. Nothing. Not government, not society, not business. I am fully aware that we are not the only country-I can't use the word 'nation' any more-where this is the case; and I am also aware that there is not one reason, and not one solution. But I do think that the time has come to reexamine how we look at things, and,as is one of my personal hobby horses, to learn from history.



We now inhabit a society obsessed with fairness, justice, and rights; although it could also be argued that we live in a very unfair and unjust society; there has never before-not since Victorian times, anyway-been such a huge divide between rich and poor; not for about the same time has there been such contempt for those who govern us. NEVER has there been such a dearth of new ideas.



All the new ideas have been had, and all we have now is a variation of what has been thought of before. So, maybe it is time to look back into history and take a deep breath.



Let us take the education system.



Forty years ago, in 1968, this country abandoned the sysytem of Grammar and Secondary Modern schools where more academically able children were educated in Grammar Schools, and the less academically able in Secondary Modern schools. This meant that Grammar School children, by and large, got the best jobs, and Secondary Modern children didn't.



In 1968, it was finally deemed that this system was unfair, and that henceforth all children ahould have the same education, called the Comprehensive System.



Now, 40 years on, those who were in at the ground when the comprehensive system started are retiring, and we look around us at the results of their labours-and we are faced with a stark truth.



That is this: that before 1968, BY AND LARGE, things worked. People knew what they were doing. People knew that everybody wasn't the same; they weren't then and they aren't now.

Things now do not work. People do not know what they are doing. The system has failed. And will continue to fail.



Private schools are not the answer; they are simply for a rich elite. But a return to streamed education? Why not?



A basic understanding of Darwinian theory will show that all creatures are not born equal, but as Orwell said, some animals are born more equal than others. that might not be fair-but life isn't fair. Our children might well benefit from learning that.

Let's get back to knowing our places in life, withut being pressurised into trying to be what we are not.



The Government is trying to pressurise more and more children (I chuckle when I hear on the news references to 'a 16 year old man' or a '17 year old woman'-they're kids) to go to university.



What for? To what end? They don't want to go and the universities don' t want many of them other than for the money they bring in.



So let us stop all trying to be the same, to be equal in all things, because we simply aren't-except in the eye of the law, and long may that remain.



Would we not all have far less stressful lives if we allowed ourselves just to be ourselves, no matter what that might be, and to take away the pressures of trying to be like everyone else?

World Cup 2010

Yesterday only 36% of players in the Premier League were English.

I can't see how Cappello can succeed-not even on 6 million quid a year. He does not possess the tools to do the job.

World Cup 2010?

I do not think so.

Global Warming takes a Breather

If Environmental Journalists reported good news, they'd be out of a job.

So, it has not widely been reported that:

a) There are 2,000,000 square kms more ice in the Arctic than there has been for 3 years
b) The Alps has (have?) experienced the coldest winter for 20 years with the highest snowfall in the same period.

Which, of course, on its own, proves nothing. Like most statistics.

By the way, when Greenland was discovered by the Norsemen-over 1,000 years ago-there was hardly any ice there. Hence the name.

In Shakespeare's day, England had a Mediterranean climate, and grap vines were cultivated almost as far north as Scotland, and peach trees were grown in the south of England.

Also, malaria was a common illness-known as the ague.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Good old Neil...

Neil Aspinall died today; only those who, like me, love the Beatles' music and are old enough to go back to the beginning of their careers will have heard of him. But his role in the band's success was absolutely massive, and is worthy of a few words.

Neil was a childhood friend of Paul and George, going right back to school days, and right from those days back in the late fifties right up until yesterday, he was their most loyal friend. Right from the early days at the Cavern, and before as the Quarrymen and the Silver Beetles, Neil was always there to help carry their gear, and to help them however he could.

For years, while Brian Epstein planned their careers from his office, Neil became the driver of their tour bus-an old blue Comma van, for which he was paid £1 a day. He wanted to become an accountant, and continued his studies as and when he could, and finally qualified.

It is not widely known that Brian Epstein, who is credited with masterminding the Beatles' success, was bad with money and bad at doing deals; one of the reasons for his depression which led to his suicide was the realisation of how much of the band's fortune he had thrown away.

It was thanks to Neil Aspinall that they were able to hang on to as much as they did; as well as managing their money he also was a fair musician, playing on Magical Mystery Tour, Tomorrow Never Comes and Day in the Life to name but three.

Because of his loyalty and financial acumen, he was made CEO of Apple in 1970, and remained so until last year. In that time, under his guidance, the band sold a further 100,000,000 albums-not bad as they had split up in 1968.

A grand lad, Mr. Aspinall-one of the little known heroes of modern musical history.

Helpful Hint for Anyone Travelling to Beijing for the Olympics...

It seems that the Beijing authorities have started putting out warning road signs in English as well as Cantonese, in preparation for the influx of tourists.

So, if you are going over there any time soon, watch out and take care if you see the one which says:

'Do not cross the railings lest suddennness happens'

You have been warned.

Time for a few smiles!

Patient: Doctor doctor I think I'm a moth.

Doctor: You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist.

Patient: I was on my way to one but as I was passing I saw your light was on.

=============================================================

Matrimonial advice from a considerate husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other.

Sincerely, Jeff


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

=================================================================

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.
Bob took the money......

Hallo, Everybody!

Well, that was a long snooze.

Time to get blogging......

HA! You thought I'd gone, go on admit it!

Some very good discussion points here from the readers of Viz as supplied by Cheeks:

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring



I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath



A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy


"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough



So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica, Rhyll



I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter


I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray


'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

A joke, just for a change!

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your willy was chopped off in the accident and the paramedics were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is £1000 an inch."

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)....
"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the right decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the chap.
"And has she helped you to make the decision?"

"Yes, she has" he says.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
.
.
." We're having a new kitchen."

Aginoth's Ramblings: Reclaiming the Colonies

Aginoth's Ramblings: Reclaiming the Colonies

Read it - I insist!

AND

Also heard of a pal's work colleague whose name is-this is NOT a joke- Beau Bull.

Better than an Irish jockey I met once called Mike Hunt.

What's in a name?

Today I met someone called Nicola Kak.

It's Next Time Already!

New definition of the word 'Jobsworth'

Today I went into our town to get a anti flu jab, and parked the car in a car park that is free after 9am.

However, I spied a Parking Attendann lurking, and enquiries revealed that the car park had been Pay and Display since July. So I have got off lightly.

I still had to get a ticket from the machine, even though there was no parking charge. Returning to my vehicle, there was the Parking Penalty Distribution Operative at the BMW Z4 next to mine doling out a parking ticket.

The £40 ticket was for not displaying a ticket confirming that the bloke hadn't paid a parking charge to park in a car park where there is no parking charge. So for not getting a ticket for not paying when he didn't have to pay, he has now has to pay 40 quid.

Sometimes I don't think that the world can get any madder.

Then it does.

Hallo, Everybody!

Gee, but it's great to be back home. Home is where I want to be-I've been on the road so long, my friend.

Here is a joke:


'Kiss me, doctor.'

'Madam, what are you saying?'

'I'm saying kiss me, doctor.'

'Madam, I can't, you know that. It would be unprofessional, unethical, I'd be struck off. I'd never work again.'

'Doctor, please, I'm begging you, no-one will know. No-one can see or hear us. PLEASE kiss me.'

'For the last time Madam, I can't kiss you. I really shouldn't even be having sex with you.'


Till next time.

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny's back!

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little

Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him to speak.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Seen in Guildford, Surrey!

Ooooops!

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and he's a bit lonely.He considers one of those girls he sees advertised in phone booths when calling for a cab. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel and finds an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.She looks great -- curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavyhair, long graceful legs all the way up to her.....you know the kind.He copies the phone number and returns to his hotel.When he gets back in the room he gives her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounds sexy."Hi, I hear you give a great massage, so could you to come to my roomand give me one. No, wait! I should be straight with you. I'm in townalone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, andI want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you have in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
How does that sound?"
She says, "Interesting, sir, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

This and that!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran intothe house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff ormountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and theother is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showedhim a card with the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.''Can you read this?' the optician asked.'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in theconvent.''Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired ofchardonnay.'

==============================================

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! 'The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You thinkI don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? 'The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African!

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night,having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"In London we have so many f*cking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

Out of the Mouths of Babes and Deputy Prime Ministers..

Farewell, John Prescott, and thaks for many gems, among which the following few select samples:

'The Green Belt is a Labour policy and we intend to build on it'

'It's not as if we have a single finger majority.'

(Upon alighting from an airplane)
'It's good to be back on terra cotta.'

Only this week in the Commons, a reference to the 'national linimen wage'

The railways have been 'underperforming for decords' and with regard to the future, the railways 'must come to a definition' which I think is a definite conclusion.

And so on, and so forth.

It doesn't take much to amuse me, does it?!

A few for a Friday!

1. ROUND THE BEND
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

2. CAR-CROSSED LOVERS
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

3. BABY ON BOARD
Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

4. BUSHWHACKED
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy - Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says: "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says: "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says: "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says: "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says: "That would make me a Bush fan."


5. A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Answers on a postcard....

What is it that the rich do not need; the poor have in abundance, and if either the rich or poor ate or drunk it they would all die?

First year students!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body Covered with a white sheet.

Brilliant!! The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. "For an example..", the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The student's freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

One to watch....

Having watched the Canadian Grand Prix this afternoon, may I just say that Lewis Hamlton is going to be the biggest thing in sport.

I wonder who will get 2nd place in BBC Sports Personality of the year?

Ah the wonder of brands and language!

Two ladies talking in heaven!

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Good Stuff...

Sometimes I come across things that people have said which make me think how wise-and I have carried this one with e me ever since-well, ever since I first read it yesterday. Funnily enough, it is not from the USA, but from West Africa:


'Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.'


How true is that?


Well, that is my profound moment for this week. I think that I shall go and have a lie down to recover.

Not this old yet!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no, "I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."


An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman, Louis sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
"Is that one word or two?"


An 85 year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"