Cheeks n Paste's ramblings! (With very occasional bits by Digby!)

Cows

2009-04-09T17:02:00.001+01:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows..
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull..

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh*t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to a bar to celebrate.

Dogs v cats

2009-02-19T17:26:00.002Z

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now .........

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

2009-02-19T17:19:00.004Z

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Nurofen ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

SMART ASS ANSWERS

2009-02-19T17:14:00.002Z

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?'
John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store bu t
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped forspeeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect

2009-01-02T23:50:00.007Z

September 30 '09 Canoe Trip

A group is planning a trip for September 30, 2009 to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements.

The excursion will consist of a bus trip to the Cherokee Nation, and a guided tour along the river which runs through it. Cost of the trip is £299.00 P/P which includes lodging and food.

If you'd like to go too, book early, as I anticipate space will be extremely limited.

We'll do some sight seeing, wildlife photography and that sort of thing. The highlight of the trip will be the river tour. No white water rapids, but perhaps a few small bumps that might result in your getting a little wet.

What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Cherokee; born and raised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.

Below is a photo of our guide , and the river we will be running.

If you are interested, let me know as soon as possible. This trip is often sold out a year in advance.

GUIDE

Her Name is UCAN TUCHUM!

2009-01-02T23:47:00.001Z

Happy Christmas!

2008-12-23T16:36:00.002Z

A Happy Christmas and a prosperous (yeah right!) New Year to our reader.

BRAVE MAN JOKES

2008-12-10T17:05:00.003Z

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
Pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,and still think they are sexy.

So What's New?

2008-10-12T09:02:00.001+01:00

Two thousand years ago, while writing a leter to a chap caled Timothy, St. Paul wrote that:

'The love of money is the root of all evil.'

Looking around, it seems that he had a point.

A Joke-I think...

2008-09-19T08:02:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure I get this....any help, please?!

A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar.The Freudian orders a cigar. The Jungian orders anEtruscan mask to conceal his face. "You cretins!"says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which,however, he does not desire.

Laugh, or what?

I Wonder.....?

2008-09-10T21:55:00.002+01:00

Following the successful - or so it seems -switching on of the LHC today, we are within a short time of knowing what happened a squillionth of a second after the Big Bang, or Creation as it is sometimes known.

What is a REALLY interesting question, and one which I will never live to see answered, is what was going on a squillionth of a second BEFORE the Big Bang?

I wonder......

I can..

2008-08-31T23:00:00.000+01:00

Despite what is below, I can spell, honest.

Cheeks

A Most Unortunate Coincidence

2008-08-31T22:51:00.002+01:00

Last week, a gentleman in China called Mr. Xu swore before God and witnesses that he did not owe his neighbour 500 Yuan (40 quid) which he had, indeed, borrowed 3 years previously and not paid back. He denied ever having borrowed it.

The nieghbour said that if he dared to swear before God that he had never borrowed it, he (the neighbour) would let it go.

So Mr. Xu swore, in public and before witnesses that, before God, he swore that he had never borrowed the money and that may he be struck down if he told a lie.

Within seconds he was hit by a lightning bolt from clear sky.

Mr. Xu is expected to make a full recovery and has agreed to pay the debt.

This must be true because the Sunday Times says it is.

Hmmmm......

2008-07-31T22:11:00.002+01:00

I would seem that the Iranian President Ahmadinejad (checked and that IS how you spell it) may quite possibly have been misquoted.

Before we embark on another Middle East Adventure, which this time would certainly result in World War Three, it is now said that he did not, as has been universally reported, say that Israel should be wiped off the face of the world.

According to Farsi scholars, what he actually said was, 'The regime occupying Jerusalem must vanish from the page of time.'

Not exactly neighbourly, true, but not the same thing.

Let us fervently hope that we are not misled once again into another disaster.

Don't forget, you read it here frst. Unless you first read it in the paper I got it from.

Gordon Brown

2008-07-29T20:58:00.002+01:00

Gordon Brown flies into Washington, still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S. Despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol recently. In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. This column tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach , for a preview of the visit:

'Good morning America , how are you? This is your favourite son, ChadHanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey.

'Hey, Chad . As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.

So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?

Well, Chad , he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.

What, you mean he's, like, German?

No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.

And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?

No, Chad . He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.

So how did Brown get the job?

He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.

But he won an election, right?

No, Chad , there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.

How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not like President Blair was assassinated.

That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.

So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?

Negative, again, Chad .

He did raise money and have a leadership Campaign, but no one stood against him.

What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?

Affirmative, Chad .

Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a Tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.

You could say that, Chad .

Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.

Someone must have voted for him, some time.

Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents inScotlandland.

He's Scoddish, then?

That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.

So is he President of Scotlandland, too?

No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon.

Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?

That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad .

Brown can makeLaws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's Lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.

That would be like Stripping Congress of the power to make laws inAmerica and handing it over to Mexico .

I guess so.

How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that.

They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn Promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed toVote.

Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?

Not really.

The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg , where the geese come from.

Isn't there any opposition?

There's a guy called Boris.

Sounds Russian.

I wouldn't be surprised, Chad .

There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen Mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.

What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit?

We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it?

He must be a popular guy.

Far from it, Chad .

According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most Unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse thanGeorge Dubya Bush.

There's talk about him having to stand down soon.

He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls.

Say again, Brit, You're breaking up.

Balls.

You're damn right there, buddy.

Best Caddie Remarks

2008-07-29T20:54:00.000+01:00

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence

#5:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It 's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Pretentious Rock Stars!

2008-06-19T18:12:00.001+01:00

A couple of Clinton jokes.

2008-06-19T18:10:00.001+01:00

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, three kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered them whatever they wanted.
The first one says, "I want to go to Disney World." Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
The second says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third boy says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset."Hillary is a little perplexed by this and responds, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad's definition ."

A Joke

2008-05-28T13:51:00.001+01:00

Patient: Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, sometimes I'm a teepee.

Doctor: I think you're two tents.

Global Warming? Climate Change? Or Neither?

2008-04-07T21:41:00.002+01:00

To anyone of a certain age, warnings of global calamity and doom are

nothing new. In the sixties, it was the population explosion - the earth was

going to run out of space for the vast quantity of humanity that was going

to swamp the planet. It didn’t happen.

In the seventies, apart from the imminent demise of oil, we were also

faced with a dip in global temperatures. We were heading for an Ice Age.

It didn’t happen.

Currently, it is global warming. The difference is that global warming has

seized the minds of politicians and the opinion forming classes like no other

issue since the second world war. In Great Britain, the Labour Government

and the Liberal Democrat Party in particular are committed to a massive

range of measures to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, and these measures

will be at vast cost not only to our economy but to the standard of living

not only of this generation but for generations to come.

Is it all a waste of time? Or even a good idea at all?

Who takes the decisions that affect us all? Scientists do not; politicians do,

acting, it must be said, on the advice of scientists. But scientists can tell us

what is happening, and sometimes why it is happening. They cannot tell us

what governments should do about it.

But first things first.

What, exactly, is happening?

Here, then, is the first surprise. There isn’t any global warming. The 21st

century may be only 8 years old, but there hasn’t been any recorded so

far this century. Yes, in the last 25 years of the twentieth century, the

global temperature rose by half a degree. But in the twenty first, nothing

has happened at all. It has come to a standstill.

The best bet from the Hadley Centre for Climate Prediction (part of the Met

Office) is that it may - or may not - resume some time around 2009 and

2014. But the very fact that the current lull was not predicted by any of

the current models proves that this is not an exact science.

The earth needs greenhouse gases. Without them we would freeze, because

every time night falls, the earth would lose all of the heat of the day. The

most effective greenhouse gas, as well as being by far and away the most

common of the greenhouse gases is water vapour. A long, long way

behind is carbon dioxide. In fact, it is not widely publicised that CO2

makes up only .54% (that’s point five four of one per cent) of the

atmosphere. Water vapour, nitrogen and oxygen make up the bulk of the

rest.

Tiny percentage though it is, there is no doubt that, since the Industrial

Revolution, the Human Race has contributed to the amount of CO2 in the

atmosphere; Over the last 10 years no country more so than China – yet

since the rapid expansion of Chinese industry, particularly in the 21st

century, there has been no global warming.

Even the warming that has taken place, climate scientists say, was very likely

caused by CO2 emissions.

Even if the temperature were to continue to rise – which currently it is

not – and over the next hundred years rise by between 1.8 and 4 degrees

which it is projected to do NOT taking into account the current -

unexpected - lull, then we were told by Alistair Darling in his Budget speech

that it would have ‘catastrophic economical and social consequences’.

Poppycock.

Why? Even the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (the IPCC) says

that an increase of up to 3 degrees will lead to an increase in food

production. Yes, an increase. Not a crisis.

Health? The very same IPCC says that such an increase will lead to

‘reduced human mortality from decreased cold exposure’. Our own

Department of Health predicts, by 2050, an increase in heat related deaths

of 2,000; but a decrease in cold related deaths of 10,000. Something that

Ministers and environmental journalists have been curiously silent about.

The IPCC systematically exaggerates the likely effects of warming because

its projections are based on two assumptions, both absurd.

The first is that, whiole the developed world can adapt to global warming,

the developing world cannot. The second is that even in the developed

world, the capacity is constrained by the limits of modern technology.

In other words, there wil be no technological development at all over the

next 100 years.

So far as the first is concerned, surely the developed world will ensure that

aid will ensure that developing countries will acquire the necessary ability

to adapt – it is in their interests to do so.

The second is ludicrous. Even now, the developed world is sitting on

developments in bio-engineering and genetic modification that have the

potential to revolutionise food production.

So, to the politicians. If global warming is going to happen, as they appear

So convinced is the case, how much a sacrifice should the present

generation make in order to avoid it?

The cost of reducing the level of CO2 emissions which we are told is

necessary is absolutely colossal. We are told by those who govern us, and

therefore know best, that we must, by 2050, cut CO2 emissions by between

60 and 80 per cent, and according to Tony Blair, no less, the richer

countries will have to fall to close to zero.

Dear ex-Prime Minister, it ain’t going to happen.

Furthermore, the measures that we are all being encouraged to take – the

feelgood measures, like driving a hybrid car, like installing a wind turbine

on the roof, to not leaving electrical appliances on standby are trivial to

the point of irrelevance. To reduce emissions by the amounts proposed

would require a complete restructuring of the economy, and that ust isn’

going to happen for as far ahead as anyone can see. It may be one day

forced upon us, but it isn’t being planned.

Would it make any sense anyway?

No.

The UK accounts for only 2 per cent of the world’s CO2 output; the entire

E.U. only 15 per cent. So Europe’s efforts are pretty worthless. And the

biggest polluters of the lot, India, the United States and China (in

ascending order) have declared that they have no serious intention of

cutting back at all. So we are wasting our time. In addition, an economist

will tell you that a direct result of cutting back drastically on CO2 emissions

will be to drive industry – or what is left of it in Britain – overseas to China

and India, with little or no reduction in global emissions.

So; is global warming happening at all? I would suggest that that is highly

doubtful.

Is it caused primarily by humankind’s emissions of CO2 into the atmosphere? No.

If it is happening, however, is the human race in any position to stop it by

reducing CO2 output? No.

So let us not forget that water vapour is a far more effective greenhouse

gas than CO2 can ever be, and there is nothing we can do about the

number of clouds. Let us not forget that dormant volcanoes give off 5

times the amount of CO2 produced by the entire human race every year.

The oceans produce 140 times as much. So let us get real.

By the way, let us also not forget methane – how do we stop flatulation in

cattle?

There has been one other interesting by product of this whole issue. It has

Become an issue to transcend all others. It has become a creed. It has

become unfashionable, dangerous, even, to speak against the received

wisdom about global warming. It is heresy to suggest that it might not

actually be happening at all. By the way, it is nowadays referred to as

climate change - the expression global warming is gradually disappearing. Has

someone spotted something?

Either way, it seems to have replaced something else. Global

Warming – or climate change - is a subject that is discussed in terms of

belief rather than fact or reason.

The Green Movement is centred on Europe. Not so very long ago, the

enemy within Europe was perceived to be –and probably was - communism.

Has green become the new red?

Or, conceivably, a new religion? The countries within Europe who are at the

forefront of the green movement happen to be those who have rejected any

state supported religion in favour of secularism. It is very much as if we

are witnessing the manifestation of a human need - the need to have

something to believe in, something to aim at or for, something to defeat.

change, has exposed the human race as weak, greedy, and self centred in a way that no

other event in history has done.

Make no mistake - this time we are in trouble.

A Fascinating Fact

2008-04-03T18:52:00.002+01:00

It is a fascinating fact that an anagram of

Eleven Plus Two

is

Twelve Plus One

is it not?

A Even More Fascinating Fact...

2008-04-03T18:47:00.002+01:00

And I would dearly love to hear a MORE fascinating fact than...

Huey Lewis' grandfather invented the red rind that goes aroud Edam cheese.

Now that is seriously fsacinating.

Life Isn't Fair-Get Used to It

2008-03-30T15:23:00.002+01:00

Bill Gates said that.

Whatever you may think of Bill Gates, he does have a point. Life isn't fair. So let's get used to it.

What prompted this thought just now was reading with a rather pressing sense of gloom about the goings on at the whizzy new Terminal at Heathrow this week. Sheer incompetence, no matter how it might be glossed as 'not our finest hour' by BA. Too right it wasn't and, at this moment, still isn't.

But this is just one more example of what has gone wrong with this country.

NOTHING works properly any more. Nothing. Not government, not society, not business. I am fully aware that we are not the only country-I can't use the word 'nation' any more-where this is the case; and I am also aware that there is not one reason, and not one solution. But I do think that the time has come to reexamine how we look at things, and,as is one of my personal hobby horses, to learn from history.

We now inhabit a society obsessed with fairness, justice, and rights; although it could also be argued that we live in a very unfair and unjust society; there has never before-not since Victorian times, anyway-been such a huge divide between rich and poor; not for about the same time has there been such contempt for those who govern us. NEVER has there been such a dearth of new ideas.

All the new ideas have been had, and all we have now is a variation of what has been thought of before. So, maybe it is time to look back into history and take a deep breath.

Let us take the education system.

Forty years ago, in 1968, this country abandoned the sysytem of Grammar and Secondary Modern schools where more academically able children were educated in Grammar Schools, and the less academically able in Secondary Modern schools. This meant that Grammar School children, by and large, got the best jobs, and Secondary Modern children didn't.

In 1968, it was finally deemed that this system was unfair, and that henceforth all children ahould have the same education, called the Comprehensive System.

Now, 40 years on, those who were in at the ground when the comprehensive system started are retiring, and we look around us at the results of their labours-and we are faced with a stark truth.

That is this: that before 1968, BY AND LARGE, things worked. People knew what they were doing. People knew that everybody wasn't the same; they weren't then and they aren't now.

Things now do not work. People do not know what they are doing. The system has failed. And will continue to fail.

Private schools are not the answer; they are simply for a rich elite. But a return to streamed education? Why not?

A basic understanding of Darwinian theory will show that all creatures are not born equal, but as Orwell said, some animals are born more equal than others. that might not be fair-but life isn't fair. Our children might well benefit from learning that.

Let's get back to knowing our places in life, withut being pressurised into trying to be what we are not.

The Government is trying to pressurise more and more children (I chuckle when I hear on the news references to 'a 16 year old man' or a '17 year old woman'-they're kids) to go to university.

What for? To what end? They don't want to go and the universities don' t want many of them other than for the money they bring in.

So let us stop all trying to be the same, to be equal in all things, because we simply aren't-except in the eye of the law, and long may that remain.

Would we not all have far less stressful lives if we allowed ourselves just to be ourselves, no matter what that might be, and to take away the pressures of trying to be like everyone else?

World Cup 2010

2008-03-30T15:05:00.002+01:00

Yesterday only 36% of players in the Premier League were English.

I can't see how Cappello can succeed-not even on 6 million quid a year. He does not possess the tools to do the job.

World Cup 2010?

I do not think so.

Global Warming takes a Breather

2008-03-25T11:12:00.002Z

If Environmental Journalists reported good news, they'd be out of a job.

So, it has not widely been reported that:

a) There are 2,000,000 square kms more ice in the Arctic than there has been for 3 years
b) The Alps has (have?) experienced the coldest winter for 20 years with the highest snowfall in the same period.

Which, of course, on its own, proves nothing. Like most statistics.

By the way, when Greenland was discovered by the Norsemen-over 1,000 years ago-there was hardly any ice there. Hence the name.

In Shakespeare's day, England had a Mediterranean climate, and grap vines were cultivated almost as far north as Scotland, and peach trees were grown in the south of England.

Also, malaria was a common illness-known as the ague.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Good old Neil...

2008-03-24T22:04:00.002Z

Neil Aspinall died today; only those who, like me, love the Beatles' music and are old enough to go back to the beginning of their careers will have heard of him. But his role in the band's success was absolutely massive, and is worthy of a few words.

Neil was a childhood friend of Paul and George, going right back to school days, and right from those days back in the late fifties right up until yesterday, he was their most loyal friend. Right from the early days at the Cavern, and before as the Quarrymen and the Silver Beetles, Neil was always there to help carry their gear, and to help them however he could.

For years, while Brian Epstein planned their careers from his office, Neil became the driver of their tour bus-an old blue Comma van, for which he was paid £1 a day. He wanted to become an accountant, and continued his studies as and when he could, and finally qualified.

It is not widely known that Brian Epstein, who is credited with masterminding the Beatles' success, was bad with money and bad at doing deals; one of the reasons for his depression which led to his suicide was the realisation of how much of the band's fortune he had thrown away.

It was thanks to Neil Aspinall that they were able to hang on to as much as they did; as well as managing their money he also was a fair musician, playing on Magical Mystery Tour, Tomorrow Never Comes and Day in the Life to name but three.

Because of his loyalty and financial acumen, he was made CEO of Apple in 1970, and remained so until last year. In that time, under his guidance, the band sold a further 100,000,000 albums-not bad as they had split up in 1968.

A grand lad, Mr. Aspinall-one of the little known heroes of modern musical history.

Helpful Hint for Anyone Travelling to Beijing for the Olympics...

2008-03-24T10:19:00.002Z

It seems that the Beijing authorities have started putting out warning road signs in English as well as Cantonese, in preparation for the influx of tourists.

So, if you are going over there any time soon, watch out and take care if you see the one which says:

'Do not cross the railings lest suddennness happens'

You have been warned.

Time for a few smiles!

2008-03-10T21:54:00.002Z

Patient: Doctor doctor I think I'm a moth.

Doctor: You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist.

Patient: I was on my way to one but as I was passing I saw your light was on.

=============================================================

Matrimonial advice from a considerate husband

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

=================================================================

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.
Bob took the money......

Hallo, Everybody!

2008-02-17T21:18:00.001Z

Well, that was a long snooze.

Time to get blogging......

HA! You thought I'd gone, go on admit it!

2007-12-03T18:27:00.000Z

Some very good discussion points here from the readers of Viz as supplied by Cheeks:

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

A joke, just for a change!

2007-10-31T22:16:00.000Z

Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your willy was chopped off in the accident and the paramedics were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is £1000 an inch."

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)....
"So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the right decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have." says the chap.
"And has she helped you to make the decision?"

"Yes, she has" he says.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
.
.
." We're having a new kitchen."

Aginoth's Ramblings: Reclaiming the Colonies

2007-10-03T18:18:00.000+01:00

Aginoth's Ramblings: Reclaiming the Colonies

Read it - I insist!

AND

2007-10-02T17:26:00.000+01:00

Also heard of a pal's work colleague whose name is-this is NOT a joke- Beau Bull.

Better than an Irish jockey I met once called Mike Hunt.

What's in a name?

2007-10-02T17:25:00.000+01:00

Today I met someone called Nicola Kak.

It's Next Time Already!

2007-10-02T17:18:00.000+01:00

New definition of the word 'Jobsworth'

Today I went into our town to get a anti flu jab, and parked the car in a car park that is free after 9am.

However, I spied a Parking Attendann lurking, and enquiries revealed that the car park had been Pay and Display since July. So I have got off lightly.

I still had to get a ticket from the machine, even though there was no parking charge. Returning to my vehicle, there was the Parking Penalty Distribution Operative at the BMW Z4 next to mine doling out a parking ticket.

The £40 ticket was for not displaying a ticket confirming that the bloke hadn't paid a parking charge to park in a car park where there is no parking charge. So for not getting a ticket for not paying when he didn't have to pay, he has now has to pay 40 quid.

Sometimes I don't think that the world can get any madder.

Then it does.

Hallo, Everybody!

2007-10-02T17:10:00.000+01:00

Gee, but it's great to be back home. Home is where I want to be-I've been on the road so long, my friend.

Here is a joke:

'Kiss me, doctor.'

'Madam, what are you saying?'

'I'm saying kiss me, doctor.'

'Madam, I can't, you know that. It would be unprofessional, unethical, I'd be struck off. I'd never work again.'

'Doctor, please, I'm begging you, no-one will know. No-one can see or hear us. PLEASE kiss me.'

'For the last time Madam, I can't kiss you. I really shouldn't even be having sex with you.'

Till next time.

Men strike back!

2007-10-01T22:27:00.000+01:00

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny's back!

2007-10-01T22:25:00.001+01:00

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little

Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him to speak.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Seen in Guildford, Surrey!

2007-08-17T19:23:00.000+01:00

Ooooops!

2007-07-18T18:13:00.000+01:00

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and he's a bit lonely.He considers one of those girls he sees advertised in phone booths when calling for a cab. He pops into a phone booth near the hotel and finds an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.She looks great -- curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavyhair, long graceful legs all the way up to her.....you know the kind.He copies the phone number and returns to his hotel.When he gets back in the room he gives her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounds sexy."Hi, I hear you give a great massage, so could you to come to my roomand give me one. No, wait! I should be straight with you. I'm in townalone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, andI want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you have in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
How does that sound?"
She says, "Interesting, sir, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

This and that!

2007-07-11T16:42:00.000+01:00

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran intothe house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff ormountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and theother is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showedhim a card with the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.''Can you read this?' the optician asked.'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in theconvent.''Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired ofchardonnay.'

==============================================

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! 'The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You thinkI don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? 'The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African!

2007-07-02T19:04:00.000+01:00

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night,having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African downs his beer,throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says:

"In London we have so many f*cking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

Out of the Mouths of Babes and Deputy Prime Ministers..

2007-06-22T11:44:00.000+01:00

Farewell, John Prescott, and thaks for many gems, among which the following few select samples:

'The Green Belt is a Labour policy and we intend to build on it'

'It's not as if we have a single finger majority.'

(Upon alighting from an airplane)
'It's good to be back on terra cotta.'

Only this week in the Commons, a reference to the 'national linimen wage'

The railways have been 'underperforming for decords' and with regard to the future, the railways 'must come to a definition' which I think is a definite conclusion.

And so on, and so forth.

It doesn't take much to amuse me, does it?!

A few for a Friday!

2007-06-21T22:43:00.000+01:00

1. ROUND THE BEND
A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

2. CAR-CROSSED LOVERS
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

3. BABY ON BOARD
Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

4. BUSHWHACKED
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy - Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says: "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says: "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says: "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says: "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says: "That would make me a Bush fan."

5. A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Answers on a postcard....

2007-06-18T07:50:00.000+01:00

What is it that the rich do not need; the poor have in abundance, and if either the rich or poor ate or drunk it they would all die?

First year students!

2007-06-15T22:25:00.000+01:00

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body Covered with a white sheet.

Brilliant!! The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. "For an example..", the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The student's freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

One to watch....

2007-06-10T21:08:00.000+01:00

Having watched the Canadian Grand Prix this afternoon, may I just say that Lewis Hamlton is going to be the biggest thing in sport.

I wonder who will get 2nd place in BBC Sports Personality of the year?

Ah the wonder of brands and language!

2007-06-08T18:06:00.000+01:00

2007-06-06T21:57:00.000+01:00

Two ladies talking in heaven!

2007-06-06T21:52:00.000+01:00

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Good Stuff...

2007-06-04T22:13:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I come across things that people have said which make me think how wise-and I have carried this one with e me ever since-well, ever since I first read it yesterday. Funnily enough, it is not from the USA, but from West Africa:

'Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.'

How true is that?

Well, that is my profound moment for this week. I think that I shall go and have a lie down to recover.

Not this old yet!

2007-06-02T22:57:00.000+01:00

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no, "I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked.
"Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman, Louis sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
"Is that one word or two?"

An 85 year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year. Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, " I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 dollars, and $50 dollars is $50 dollars."
A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, "Esther, i'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is $50 dollars, and $50 dollars is $50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed --- and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers. But not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris. He said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but $50 dollars is $50 dollars."

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry.

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the nurse said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"
Mildred hung-up without answering.

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Two good old boys are sittin' in a bass boat suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Jimmy says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and calmly says, "You better think it over - women like that ain't easy to find."

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger.
So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife:
'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room
completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was
hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Before Computers .........................
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . .

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples you know

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business...

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a big German Shepherd Dog on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue said the man"

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at the woman sitting across the table.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know one thing.

As she composed herself she met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced, and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

A farmers wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

Guess how old Grandpa is?

2007-05-23T21:56:00.000+01:00

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners ' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing holiday homes.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, The Goons, and the Queen's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy
Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a tram, and a Pepsi were all twopence
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your two pennies on enough
stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Austin Cambridge for £400, . . .. but who could afford one?
Too bad, because petrol was 2 shillings a gallon.

In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your
grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Headmaster's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????

This man would be only 59 years old.

Hallo, Chums!

2007-05-15T11:10:00.000+01:00

I never cease to be amazed at the world in which we live, or what people will do to make a quick buck. And how right Phineas T. Barnum was when he said that there is one born every minute.

A woman has just sold on EBay-get this-her imaginary childhood friend.

Her friend is called Liffy and has brown hair, a green face and walks with a stick.

Someone has just paid £10 for Liffy.

I hope that they have a long and happy life together.

Billy Connolly - Incontenence Knickers

2007-05-10T08:44:00.001+01:00

An all time great!

Oh Dear!

2007-05-07T21:52:00.000+01:00

Click on photo to make it larger and readable!

2007-05-07T20:56:00.000+01:00

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one....
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back..
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer..
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Ouch!

2007-05-06T20:03:00.000+01:00

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Water and Wine

2007-05-03T13:38:00.000+01:00

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling or filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = Poop
WINE = HEALTH

Hence: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of s**t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service.

This is a story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

2007-04-27T19:42:00.002+01:00

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly.. and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of his particular lake around lunch time). "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly .. and that bear grabs for that
fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger!

Interesting Sports Triv

2007-04-26T12:56:00.000+01:00

AC Milan's Brazillian midfield genius, Kaka's real name is:

Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite.

This translates as:

Richard, Son of Isaac, Two Saints Milk.

His nickname, in most Western European countries, translates as, "Shit".

Interestingly, his Brazillian colleague, Doudou's nickname also translates as "Shit"

Even more interestingly, German midfielder Kuntz's name doesn't translate at all.

What a job!

2007-04-24T22:33:00.000+01:00

Helicopter High Voltage Cable Inspection

Remember?

2007-04-22T21:01:00.000+01:00

Close your eyes and go back in time...

Before the Internet...
Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back........

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.
The corner shop.
Hopscotch.
Butterscotch.
Skipping.
Handstands.
Football with an old can
Fingerbob. Beano, Dandy, Buster, Bunty, Twinkle, Jackie, Dennis the Menace.
Roly Poly.
Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.
The smell of a rainstorm and fresh cut grass.
Bazooka Joe bubble gum.
An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune and parked at the top of the drive.
Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a screwball.

Wait.....
Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks.
Children's Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang, Laurel and Hardy, Tomorrow People, CrackerJack, Tiswas or Swapshop, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who.

Watching the Pink Panther after Dad had finished watching Grandstand on a Saturday.
When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere.
Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.
Sticky fingers.
Ball bearings. Playing Marbles. Big 'uns and Little 'uns.
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.
Climbing trees.
Making igloos out of snow banks.
Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Lolly Pop ladies.
Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
Being tired from playing....remember that?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Choppers and Grifters.
Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies
Remember when...
There were two types of trainers - girls/boys and Dunlop Green Flash.
The only time you wore them was at School was for P.E. And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsoles or even older - daps.
You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When 25p was decent pocket money
Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's. Penny sweets.
Top Trumps.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving pupil at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc.
Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are still afraid of them.

Didn't that feel good?
Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....
Decisions were made by going "Ip, Dip, Dog Shit"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.
It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a catapult.
Nobody was prettier than Mum.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their grown up life...

2007-04-17T13:12:00.000+01:00

A few months back there was some discussion in Blogsville about the meaning of life in general, atheism v. agnosticism v. faith, science and natural selection v intelligent design, and so on and so forth. Predictably enough, it got no one anywhere, and apart from a few spleens being well and truly vented, participants all agreed to differ; t'was ever thus.

But I have often pondered the nature of the human race, and what an unbelievable freak of nature we human beans are. Never in history (so far as we can tell) has anything like the human race ever existed. We exploded out of nothing, have'evolved'-keep reading-faster than any other species, and seem bent on self destruction faster than any other species-not that I am aware of ANY other species being bent on self destruction.

So, today, when we learn that chimpanzees are more highly evolved, genetically, than Homo Sapiens, once again, the freakish nature of our species becomes ever more apparent, and is the only animal species which goes AGAINST Darwin's Theory of Natural selection. This brings me , as you will see, to an alarming conclusion. Well, not alarming for me, because I won't live to see it; but certainly alarming for future generations.

To begin with; Homo Sapiens is the only species that I can think of which tries to ensure that every possible individual survives-as a species. I know that there are exceptions such as the lunatic in Virginia yesterday, or Stalin or Hitler, or Pol Pot. However, as a species, that is what we do.

This is the exact opposite of natural selection. It is not survival of the strongest or fittest; it is the survival of both weak and strong. This alone is devolving, not evolving, the species. Our battle against disease is being won by so-called super bugs that have been evolving since life began. Our own bodies are becoming more fragile, not stronger, and I must say that we increasingly seem to be breeding a subspecies which is incapable of making any contribution at all to society.

Is it any wonder that, as apes have been subjected to the process of natural selection far longer than our own sub species that they are much better equipped genetically?

Could it actually be that, far from being a shining example of natural selection, the human race is, in fact, a parasitic freak that nature is rapidly seeking to eliminate, largely via our own bizarre behaviour?

Because if this IS what Nature is seeking to do, it is beginning to seem as if it is doing a very good job.

The nature of our species is often studied from an evolutionary, zoological and anthro[pological stance. there is very little discussion of the extreme freakish nature of our species.

I will stop there. I could go on, but I will run out of blog!

Live Long and Prosper

Cheeks

A bit lonely!

2007-04-16T21:41:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........................................

..................................wait for it ...its worth it!!!!

"I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on."

Cheeks has heard this one, but it made me laugh!

2007-04-12T20:51:00.000+01:00

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc."

Talk to Yourself!

2007-04-12T19:07:00.000+01:00

What do ITV (Independent Television) and the Navy have in common?

They're both good at losing ratings

Made me chortle.

To Whom it May Concern.....

2007-04-11T10:35:00.000+01:00

Hallo, Paste

Are we drifting alone on the endless cyberspace ocean of blogness?!

What kind of soul are you?

2007-04-09T18:28:00.001+01:00

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.
War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.
You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.
Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.

While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.
You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.
On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.
You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

The phone call!

2007-04-06T18:30:00.001+01:00

Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,

Daddy says,
"But honey,
you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I have! and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone own on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ...... This is this 01274 720011 isn't it ?"

They Don't Make 'Em Like This Any More

2007-04-04T09:00:00.000+01:00

To some of us of a certain age, Keith Richards , aka Lord Dartford, aka Doctor Riff, is a bit of a hero. Been there, done it, got one. Three times at least.

But today takes the cake.

When he revealed that in the heyday of his substance abuse, in which he is a legend among legends, he was so overcome with grief at his father's funeral, that he snorted his own father's ashes-having 'mixed them with a little blow' presumably to enhance the aroma.

I mean, how cool is THAT?

FOR BOTH OF THEM??!!

Respeck.

A Saturday poster

2007-03-31T18:24:00.000+01:00

Three male Labrador Retrievers --

2007-03-27T20:38:00.000+01:00

Three male labradors, one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting In the waiting
room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab And asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

"No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

One wish!

2007-03-27T20:34:00.000+01:00

A man rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The man did not hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East .

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, " Dude , be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right woman. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and do the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't whine all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good woman."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

Subject: In a Dublin bar

2007-03-27T20:32:00.001+01:00

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be A ballerina!"

Babies

2007-03-23T21:57:00.001Z

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye
and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour
later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did You know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me.
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
We try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

Erm.....

2007-03-22T18:08:00.000Z

Two chimps getting in the bath.

'OO ee aaahhh aahh oooeee.' says one.

'Put some cold water in, then,' says the other.

I thank you.

Come To Wales!

2007-03-21T15:11:00.000Z

I don't know quite what to make of this. This is not a joke. This either says something about Wales and its expectations, or it says something about people who are planning to go to work in Wales.

There is a booklet called 'Work in Wales' published by the Welsh Executive (the Welsh Government) with '10 tips when living in Wales'.

Among them are:

"Having sex with a woman against her will is an offence.....

Having sexwith a minor under 16 is an offence.....

It is against the law to have sex with a member of your own family...."

This is not a joke.

I shudder to think what the other 7 are.

The wonder of numbers!

2007-03-18T21:26:00.000Z

The numbers we all use (1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) are known as "arabic " numbers to distinguish them from the "Roman Numerals" (I, II, III, IV, V, VI, etc). Actually the arabs popularized these numbers but they were originally used by the early Phoenecian traders to count and keep track of their trading accounts.
Have you ever thought why ........ 1 means "one", and 2 means "two"? The roman numerals are easy to understand but what was the logic behind the Phoenecian numbers?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's all about angles !
It's the number of angles. If one writes the numbers down (see below) on a piece of paper in their older forms, one quickly sees why. I have marked the angles with "o"s.
No 1 has one angle.
No 2 has two angles.
No 3 has three angles.
etc.

and "O" has no angles

Interesting, isn't it?

Cynical moi!

2007-03-11T19:06:00.000Z

You are 27% cynical

You Are 28% Cynical

Generally you give people the benefit of the doubt. But there are exceptions.
You buy into many of the things that mainstream society believes, but you're not anybody's fool.

How Cynical Are You?

Am I Coming, or am I Going?

2007-03-09T18:49:00.000Z

Until last night, I was as ready as the next person to walk miles, have holidays here in the UK (and walk to them) and to avoid buying baked beans to avoid breaking wind because of the damage that I was contributing to Global Warming, which, having watched Al Gore's film, I was convinced was all the fault-or at least primarily the fault-of the human race.

I was even ready to bite the bullet and submit to 'Green Taxes' in order to help 'save the planet'.

But after having watched Channel 4's The Great Global Warming Swindle last night, I have changed my mind.

We have been had-again.

Listen to science, we are advised; science works only on provable data, and must therefore be true, we are told.

Tosh.

We will leave aside for the moment the 'fact' that Einstein, having 'proved' that the highest attainable speed is that of light, has been 'proved' wrong by scientists who have identified particles called tachions which vibrate at many times the speed of light; thus proving Einstein's proof unproven.

The main thrusts of the programme in question were spread over several bases; not least of which were that many of the contributors (whom I have to take at face value that they were who they claimed to be, and almost all scientists) were saying the they are regarded as such heretics in the scientific world because of their disagreement with the perceived view that Global Warming is down to us that they are not only ostracised by the scientific community, but are unable to raise funding for their research for that very reason.

They maintain that Global Warming, which IS a fact, is going to happen anyway, and it is down to purely natural cyclical phenomena; and it is only because Homo Sapiens exploded out of nothing and has not been around more than 10 seconds (in overall terms) that we haven't seen it all before.

But we have.

200 years ago, it was so cold that in one 5 year period, the River Thames froze 3 times; the ice fairs of those days are well recorded in art and literature. But 250 years before that, Britain was so hot that grapevines were cultivate outdoors in the far north of England, in Cumbria. Now that is hot. We had what we now call a Mediterranean climate-you know, where we travel to for our summer hols to get a bit of sun. In Shakespeare's day, we had it all right here.

We blanch in horror at the sight of the ice caps melting; of the ice in Greenland disappearing. Only 1,000 years ago, study of permafrost in Greenland shows that the temperature there was 3 times warmer than it is now. And Polar Bears are still with us.

We are told that Global Warming will bring new diseases here, like malaria, because the malaria bearing mosquito thrives in warm climates. Well, it does; but it ABSOLUTELY ADORES the cold, as well, and only in 1920 500,000 people died in Archangel, northern Russia, from malaria caused by mosquitoes.

And what of CO2, which has become the bete noir of the Green movement?

We seem to forget that CO2 is vital. You are made up largely of CO2. So am I. So is virtually every living thing. But what of the vast amounts of it that we are chucking into the atmosphere?

According to the programme, the atmosphere consists of .054% CO2. In total. That is not much.
It is also not widely known that dormant volcanoes account for 5 times the amount of CO2 thrown into the atmosphere every year by the entire human race. God help us if one actually blew up. And rotting vegetation, bacteria, and the animal population of the world accounts for 140 times the amount of CO2 produced by the entire human race. Apparently. And the oceans of the world produce HUNDREDS of times more CO2 than the entire human race.

Al Gore made a very convincing case for temperature increase and increasing levels of CO2 being linked. He is correct. BUT-what he fails also to point out (according to paleoclimatologists) is that temperature increase precedes rises in CO2 levels and CAUSE the rise in CO2 levels, not the other way around. And the rise in CO2 levels take about 800 years to catch up.

So what causes all of this?

The answer, it would appear is sunspots. An increase in sunspot activity affects the solar wind; the solar wind affects the type and amount of cloud found in the atmosphere (water vapour is the biggest greenhouse gas of all) and the amount of cloud affects the temperature of the oceans. The oceans cool down over hundreds and hundreds of years, and it gets colder; the temperatures of the oceans rise, over more hundreds and hundreds of years, and it gets warmer.

And there is nothing, but nothing, that we can do about it.

I decided to embark on this diatribe because I am. like my dear friend Paste, fed up with being told what to think by experts and being made to feel guilty. Science is not the be all and end all of truth; it is sometimes right and is sometimes wrong.

I am no scientist, and for all I know the scientists in the programme last night were lying through their teeth; but I am bound to say it didn't come across that way-their credentials were excellent. Oh, and they all took the trouble to deny that any of them had ever received any payment form any organisation in whose interest it would be to have their point of view put across.

So, me-I'm back to square one. I shall continue to turn lights off if they are not needed, just in case! But if I am told that my council is not allowing Christmas Trees in public places ever again because of carbon emissions and helping to save the planet then I shall insert my Christmas tree into my local councillor responsible with a mince pie on the end.

I think that I shall try being an anarchist.

The Good News or the Bad News?

2007-03-08T13:14:00.000Z

A man goes to the doctor's for some test results. The doctor says, 'I'm sorry-but you only have a short time to live.'

'Oh my God', says the poor man, sitting slowly down. 'How long, doctor?'

'Ten-'

'TEN?' explodes the chap. 'Ten what? Ten minutes? ten months? ten hours?'

The doctor carries on, '...nine, eight, seven....'

Wow!

2007-03-07T22:12:00.000Z

Parts of Saturday's (March 3) lunar eclipse were widely visible. For example, skywatchers in Europe, Africa, and western Asia were able to see the entire spectacle of the Moon gliding through Earth's shadow, but in eastern North America the Moon rose already in its total eclipse phase. Of course if you had traveled to the Moon's near side, you could see the same event as a solar eclipse, with the disk of our fair planet Earth completely blocking out the Sun. For a moon-based observer's view, graphic artist Hana Gartstein (Haifa, Israel) offers this composite illustration. In the cropped version of her picture, an Apollo 17 image of Earth is surrounded with a red-tinted haze as sunlight streams through the planet's dusty atmosphere. Earth's night side remains faintly visible, still illuminated by the dark, reddened Moon, but the disk of the Earth would appear almost four times the size of the Sun's disk, so the faint corona surrounding the Sun would be largely obscured. At the upper left, the Sun itself is just disappearing behind the Earth's limb.

Where was Wayne last Sunday?

2007-02-27T12:09:00.000Z

For aficionados of Monty Python's Flying Circus, whose memories extend back many years, you may recall a sketch in which John Cleese was a not-terribly-bright footballer, being interviewed by Michael Palin as a TV sports reporter. Cleese's character (not being the brightest spark in the box) replied to any question with, 'Yes, Brian' or 'No, Brian' or 'Well, Brian' and if seized with a burst of confidence, 'Well, Brian, I hit the ball first time and there it was in the back of the net.'

I thought of this when I read Chelsea's Wayne Bridge's post match comment following the Carling Cup Final last Sunday. Maybe Wayne was still suffering from being boshed on the head by Emmanuel Eboue, but when asked about what he felt about what had happened on the pitch, he said, 'I don't care what happened on the pitch-what matters is we came away with three points.'

It will come as no surprise to learn that, at Chelsea, Wayne's nickname is Trigger, as in Only Fools and Horses.

An insignificant dot!

2007-02-25T11:57:00.000Z

What's that pale blue dot in this image taken from Saturn? Well it's the Earth. The robotic Cassini spacecraft looked back toward its old home world recently as it orbited Saturn. Using Saturn itself to block the bright Sun, Cassini imaged a faint dot on the right of the above photograph. That dot is expanded on the image inset, where a slight elongation in the direction of Earth's Moon is visible. Vast water oceans make Earth's reflection of sunlight somewhat blue. Earth as we know is home to over six billion humans, but when viewed like this it gives a somewhat different perspective to things!

Be strong honey!

2007-02-23T16:22:00.000Z

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too

And another thing!

2007-02-23T14:45:00.000Z

And another thing as AZ so rightly says, competition, I like that a lot. I do not like these idiots who think that the best way to prepare children for life after school is to 'shield' them from any form of competition. We have even seen in the UK, sports days with no races just activities so that there are 'no losers'. Get real, in life some win and some don't win and the sooner people/kids realise this the better. It does not destroy a person to come third in a three legged race or to drop the egg out of their spoon.
I like competition.
I also don't like the way that the government is trying to convince us that the youth of today are hugely more brilliant than their parents and grandparents. They must think that the parents and grandparents are all terminally stupid if they think that we are going to believe that the GCSE grades achieved today mean anything other than that the standards have fallen. I don't like falling standards.

I don't like it!

2007-02-22T17:53:00.000Z

Many people all over the world believe in things that I don't. Now that's fine with me as long as those people don't try to shove their belief systems down my throat. I'm a live and let live kind of chap. Please don't tread on me and I will be careful not to tread on you.
But don't mess with me, either. It seems to me that much of the world today is dedicated to the sole purpose of messing with people who just want to be left alone. Look at the Labour government. They seem to spend their whole existence messing with individuals like you and me all the time. Look at do-gooders, anti-smokers, lawyers and politicians. They ALL live and breathe for the sole purpose of messing with me or somebody else. I’m not very keen on it.
I don't like political correctness nor do I like people saying "gender" when they mean sex. I don't like reading about people loosing their jobs because of blogging. I don't like a system where what I do on my own time scares the shit out of a multi-billion pound corporation who would rather fire a valuable employee than risk a stupid lawsuit from some neurotic idiot. I don’t like the obsession with Health and Safety that is making people scared of virtually everything, I don’t like the way it fosters a dependency society, and it makes people think that the state will look after them when they should be looking after themselves.
I don't like neurotic idiots who believe that the sun rises and sets out of their bums, and insist that the entire universe should stop expanding and cater only to their needs. I don't like whiners. I don't like people who encourage whining (social security, trade unions, etc).
I stick by my friends come hell or high water. I don't like being told what to do by someone who doesn't know or care about me. Uniforms do not impress me. Any fool can get one of those. In fact a LOT of insecure fools wear uniforms and try to tell me what to do. I don't like it.
I don't like this recent fad of “customer service" that insists that I listen to a machine and keeps me on hold for 15 minutes before I get to speak to a human being. I don't like it. I don't like the morons who drive in the middle lane when they are not passing another vehicle. I don't like it at all.
I want to be left alone to run my own life. What is wrong with that? I mind my own business and I try to live a good life. I believe that my wife and I are responsible for the upbringing of our children not their school or the state. I believe that the world would be a better place if everybody behaved the way I do. I am not violent, racist, bigoted, vindictive or prudish, and I don't like people who are. I expect to earn respect from others. Hollywood celebrities piss me off when they talk politics. Politicians piss me off, full stop. Right wing bigots piss me off because they are so stupid. Christian fundamentalists are just the worst of the lot.
I stay pissed off a lot.
Slavery was abolished in about 1830 but cast a glance around today. We are all becoming slaves to a government that cares nothing about the individual. Government exists to foster its own power and the powers of politicians, all of whom think that they know what is better for us than we do. Government tells us how fast we can drive, they photograph us wherever we are, they tell us where we can and cannot smoke, what we can and cannot do in bed, and they take our money to pay for this shit.
As you probably guessed by now, I don't like it.

Ooooops!

2007-02-21T16:07:00.000Z

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Asda, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

2007-02-20T18:02:00.000Z

Seeking a Little Truth

2007-02-20T09:07:00.000Z

Seeking a Little Truth

Go watch the video, very thought provoking!

A tragedy!

2007-02-19T09:32:00.000Z

George Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If 'Air Force One' carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either!"

Quick Thinking!

2007-02-18T11:28:00.000Z

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took
the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or
holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States ."
The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."

Noel, You are So Right!

2007-02-15T11:48:00.000Z

Following the Brit awards last night, Noel Gallagher was interviewed on Newsnight and gave the following view of our leaders:

'David Cameron is no different to Tony Blair; Gordon Brown is no different from David Cameron...I don't really think there's anything left to vote for. That's why people don't vote...that's why people would rather vote for celebrity talent shows than politics.'

Spot on the money, Noel.

Thanks partly to the bewildering incompetence of the Major and Blair administrations we now find ourselves sleepwalking into a very perilous situation.

And we had better wake up fast to this. There is nothing more dangerous than political apathy and this country now has political mistrust and apathy in shedloads. That is how extremists get a hold-look at the quiet but constant creep in popularity across the board for the BNP.

The mainstream parties pretend that it isn't happening as much as it is-but it is. People who not so long ago would rather have had their heads cut off than express support for the National Front are now saying that the BNP has a point.

Politicians, wake up-NOW!!

Good Game, Good Game

2007-02-15T09:21:00.000Z

Go to Google, and type in the search bar, in double quotation marks, "(Your name) was arrested for" and then hit search.

See what turns up and let us know your dark past!!

Looks good to me!

2007-02-13T12:30:00.000Z

For the fourth in the sries of 'looks good to me!', today we see The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 currently the fastest, most powerful, and most expensive street-legal production car in the world, with a proven top speed of over 400 km/h (407.5 km/h or 253.2 mph). It reached full production in September 2005. The car is built by Volkswagen AG subsidiary Bugatti Automobiles SAS in its Molsheim (Alsace, France) factory and is sold under the legendary Italo-French Bugatti. It is named after French racing driver Pierre Veyron, who won the 24 hours of Le Mans in 1939 while racing for the original Bugatti firm. It is also the world's second supercar with 16 cylinders, after the Cizeta Moroder V16T.

It is also 'The F**k Off Motor that tells other F**k Off Motors to F**k Off!

Ahhh, the good old days!

2007-02-13T08:59:00.000Z

Cheeks is poorly !

2007-02-12T14:39:00.000Z

So here is a missive from his sick bed:-

I think that I have picked up a flu bug which the vaccination is fighting off as I feel somewhat perkier-I will go and have a bowl of lukewarm gruel s that always seemed to work for my grandma.

Then again she's dead, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

By the way, I am becoming allergic to the expression "holding your hands up" when accepting resposibilty for something particularly sport.

In Australia, we had Flintoff and Fletcher both blaming themselves and holding their hands up for being crap, the same from Stevie Gerrardy and McLaren last week for the football, then today Brian Ashton and Jonny Boy for that pathetic performance on Saturday.

Rather that walk around with your hands in the air, just GET IT RIGHT.

I have a sneaking admiration for Sven (never thought I'd say that) who, rather than hold his hands in the air, just took the money and fucked off.

Cheeks

Why People Believe Americans Are Stupid

2007-02-11T21:32:00.001Z

I'm speechless!

My gast has never been more flabbered!

2007-02-11T21:23:00.000Z

England win the Tri nations.